Rethinking Faulty Belief Systems

 

There comes a time in our lives where we reevaluate certain belief systems. As we grow and learn what once served us may not any more. It's okay for your beliefs to change, When you learn better, you do better. That doesn't mean you were bad because you were most likely served faulty belief systems and you took them on. The important thing is to be open to learning, growth, and expansion so that you don't stay stuck where those that handed you the faulty belief systems want you to stay stuck. The whole point of healing and growth is to become more and more you. We are releasing all of the parts of us that are not us. All of the things we were told we had to be. All of the parts that we had been convinced to suppress. People will ask us to dim our light and make ourselves smaller to make themselves more comfortable (and often to make ourselves more controllable). Healing is about putting all of that down and allowing ourselves to exist authentically.

What is a faulty belief system and where do they come from? 

A faulty belief system is beliefs that we have about ourselves and the world around us that stems from thoughts and beliefs that we were taught by, what we call in the world of undue influence recovery, an agent of influence. 

An agent of influence can be 

- A parent

- A partner

- A spiritual leader

- Family

- Friends

- Media

- A teacher 

They can be pretty much anyone that has the ability to influence your thoughts and beliefs in any way. Influence can be used for both healing and harm and it definitely has a spectrum. 

Often, if you are on a journey of growth and healing, you will begin to question faulty belief systems, and it can take time to deconstruct and process through them to find what works for you now that you know better. That's okay. 

Allow yourself the time and space to process. You can journal, talk to friends, talk to a mental health professional (we are not just here for when things get really bad, we can help with this type of thing, too), do something creative, meditate, exercise, walk outside

Do whatever it may be that you need to do to find your center, again.

Faulty belief systems can look like:

- Feelings of unworthiness

- Negative self-talk

- Guilt

- Shame

- Suffocation from suppressing yourself

- Feelings of perfectionism

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Guilt

- Shame

- Feelings of never being good enough and/or being too much

- Feeling annoying

- Feeling like a burden

- Feeling unlovable, or even feeling unlikable

- Feelings of hate and/or disgust for certain groups of people

- Insecurity

- Rejection

- Fear of abandonment

- Codependence or enmeshment

- Feelings of lack

In truth it can show up in many forms. 

    I've worked with a lot of clients that are recovering from religious trauma, relationships with narcissists, narcissistic parent(s), recovering from cults, recovering from diet culture, and a number of other highly controlling situations where influence was used to harm. These start with thoughts. These thoughts become beliefs. Once these faulty beliefs are realized, we can work on changing them to thoughts that become beliefs that are more true and authentic to who you are and the you that you want to become (which is just more you). 

    The whole point of growth and healing is to shed all of the parts of you that aren't you. It may not always be a fun process, but it is always worth it. Free yourself! Be empowered! Be you!

    

Be the Villain, Set Boundaries

 

Are you a people pleaser? Have you ever wondered who you truly are and what might make you truly happy? Have you ever been overwhelmed by the sensation of everyone walking all over you and feeling burnt out because you're not doing anything for your own self care or that might fill your cup?

For just 4 easy payments of... Totally kidding. They are free. Boundaries are totally free. You can make them as strong, as high, as firm, and as thick as you want to...or maybe need to. 

There are a few side effects you should know about. You may lose people. You may become the villain in the stories of those who once walked all over you. You see, the doormat version of you was the version of you that served them. When you begin to set boundaries deeming their behavior unacceptable, there will be push back. They are used to being able to treat you a certain way, and are not going to be thrilled when they can't get away with it anymore. Some people don't want to change. Being the way they are serves them in some way, so they don't want to move at all. They would rather lose the relationship than the behavior. When you move they will fight you on it. Hold your boundaries firmly, and allow them to do what they are going to, which will most likely be to adjust or run away. Sometimes, in order to run away, they have to villainize you and make you wrong so that their running away feels validated. 

There will, also, be those who will still be standing next to you cheering you on as if they have been waiting for this day. They have seen the strength in you all along and bask in the light of you beginning to really allow yourself to finally shine. They have seen the light in you and have been waiting for you to let it free. These are your people. Well, at least some of them, more will come as your light begins to burn brighter and brighter as you are caring for yourself.

I know many of you have heard the phrase "my cup runith over". I want that to be the overflow that you are giving from. Do what you need to do to make sure your cup is filled to overflowing and then give to others from your overflow. That means you need self-care, alone time and/or social time, rest, time to do things that you enjoy, and time to do things that make you feel good. Our culture tends to pride itself on us draining ourselves and doing it all while sacrificing ourselves. Just because it's a norm doesn't make it right. Take good care of yourself and set boundaries.

"How do I set a boundary?"

Understand that "No." is a complete sentence. If someone insists on violating a boundary or is having a difficult time accepting it then enact a consequence that you have already thought of, or let them know you need some space to think about how you want to go about enforcing this boundary because you are not comfortable or feel unsafe with the violation or push back. They can be a lot of work to maintain with certain people. That is when you must decide to fight, release, or at the very least pull back and take some space. 

It's okay to be the villain. It's okay to be selfish (even though self-care is not selfish, it can feel like it at first so I'm giving you permission to be selfish). It's okay to take care of you.

If you would like any help or support with boundary setting you can email me at holly@drhollyvarona.com . 

Anger

 

    Anger is a secondary emotion. Beneath it lies emotions such as hurt, frustration, injustice, fear, sadness, betrayal, or even grief. I remember the anger I felt when I saw someone close to me being abused. I remember the validation I felt the first time someone got angry about the abuse I had endured. As I dug into my healing journey, I began to feel angry about things that I had endured. Things little me had endured. I brushed it off for a long time as no big deal until I began to have nieces and nephews at the ages where I endured certain abuses and it was then that I realized that it really was wrong. It wasn't "no big deal". That's when the anger came. My anger was a sign that I was learning to love myself. I was angry that I allowed myself to be treated certain ways, angry at the betrayal of those I trusted. I was angry at the people who made me feel like I was too much or not enough, when who I truly am is who I need to be to accomplish what I am meant to accomplish and who I need to be for those who are meant to be around me. I was angry that I had to fight so many battles to excel, and sometimes to merely exist. I have had to fight to have a voice. I have had to fight to fully step into who I am meant to be. I have had to fight to just be. 

    Each of those fights, each battle, required recovery time afterwards. Sometimes I would have to run and hide to get it. Sometimes I just had to push through exhaustion. Now, I have boundaries. Now, I can allow myself the recovery time needed. Now, I have people to turn to, safe people, who relax my nervous system. Now, I know how to process through anger and not project it. That is the important thing to know about anger. It's valid and it needs to be processed through. Without processing through it, it gets projected onto those we care about most. Those who care about us the most. Vengeance can be a great motivator, but it is no way to live. The best revenge is a life well lived. 

    Process through your pain. Give yourself time to recover from the battle. Love on yourself. If you have a safe person in your life, let them love on you, too. Connection can be magical and healing. Allow yourself the comfort, rest, support, and care that you need and desire. It's okay. 

Green Flags for the People You Surround Yourself With

Our lives tend to be surrounded by people, the majority of which we choose for ourselves. We have our partners, our friends, our family (both biological and chosen), our coworkers, our bosses, our clients, our customers, the people at the nail salon, the people where you get your hair done, your people that you know through various hobbies that you engage in, the list goes on. As a metaphysical person, I like to be around people I vibe with.

You hear a lot about red flags in people, but today I am going to talk about a few green flags. We often think about how we don't want to feel around people, but today I want to focus on how we do want want to feel around people, or at least how I prefer to feel around people. I have been around a lot of red flag behavior, and the more I experience green flag behavior, the more I love it. Once I learned to calm my nervous system, I began to look to surround myself with people who soothe my nervous system. This is not to say that my nervous system is always calm, as I have spent much of my life stuck in fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Thanks to C-PTSD, getting into rest and digest takes effort. Sometimes great effort.

That being said, 

Green Flag #1: They soothe your nervous system. 

You feel safe with them, and are easily able to rest and just be. With anxiety and/or C-PTSD we can be on edge, and if we spill something or break something or even just feel like we messed something up, we may get angry, want to cry, or maybe even begin to beat ourselves up. It brings out that wounded part of the inner child that might have gotten yelled at over every little thing. Green flag behavior lets you know that it's no big deal and helps you laugh it off and take yourself a little more lightly. It is loving and soothing, letting you know that mistakes are normal and it doesn't change the way they see you or feel about you.

Green Flag #2: You can be fully you.

Not only can you be who you are, but their level of acceptance of you and all of the parts of you helps you to become even more yourself. Parts of yourself come to life in ways they didn't feel safe to around other people. Society, and sometimes other authority figures, likes to try to tell us who to be and who we can't be. This doesn't mean we have to listen to them, but all too often we do...at first. Not being true to ourselves can cause us to reach a boiling point. Those of us open to growth and healing at that level will come back to ourselves. Those that are not will build up resentment against the rest of us that are trying to be true to ourselves. Ben Cole Edwards posed a question on his Tik Tok. He asked, "For all of you people pleasers out there, how many people are actually pleased with you?" That got me to thinking. The people that are most pleased with me are the ones that I don't have to try to please. They are pleased with me showing up in my authenticity and just being. They encourage me to be more me by being accepting of every piece of me that I express.

Green Flag #3: You feel free.

You can feel free in relationship (friendship, romantic, or otherwise) when you are encouraged to be you, to chase your dreams, your goals, and your passions. You feel free when you tell someone, "I don't know why, but I am feeling like I need to get to a beach." and their response is either, "Go! Have fun!" or "Do you want me to go with you?" or "Let's go!". If you tell them, "I think it would be so much fun to try painting." and they start sending you resources for art classes near you. Sometimes they just know you well enough and know you love doing musical theater and send you any auditions they come across. You build each other up and accept each other where you are.

Green Flag #4: You laugh a lot.

Laughter is joy out loud, and we should do it as much as we can. When you find that you laugh a lot with someone, that can definitely be a green flag. There is a freedom in a relationship where you can be silly and goofy, and you end up cracking each other up. It is a sign that you are comfortable in that space with that person. If you are belly laughing a lot that makes the green flag neon green. You should be able to be open and playful and silly with those you re close to.

Green Flag #5: You trust them.

You know they will be lovingly honest and real with you. You know they wouldn't do anything to hurt or harm you in any way. You know they are loyal to you. You know they want the best for you, but will also not push you to do things differently or their way if it doesn't feel right for you. They are caring with you and caring with other people. You trust them, and they trust you. 

These are just a few of the big ones that came to mind for me. What are some of your green flags that you notice in the relationships around you? What are some of the green flags you would like to see more of in the relationships around you?