Be the Villain, Set Boundaries

 

Are you a people pleaser? Have you ever wondered who you truly are and what might make you truly happy? Have you ever been overwhelmed by the sensation of everyone walking all over you and feeling burnt out because you're not doing anything for your own self care or that might fill your cup?

For just 4 easy payments of... Totally kidding. They are free. Boundaries are totally free. You can make them as strong, as high, as firm, and as thick as you want to...or maybe need to. 

There are a few side effects you should know about. You may lose people. You may become the villain in the stories of those who once walked all over you. You see, the doormat version of you was the version of you that served them. When you begin to set boundaries deeming their behavior unacceptable, there will be push back. They are used to being able to treat you a certain way, and are not going to be thrilled when they can't get away with it anymore. Some people don't want to change. Being the way they are serves them in some way, so they don't want to move at all. They would rather lose the relationship than the behavior. When you move they will fight you on it. Hold your boundaries firmly, and allow them to do what they are going to, which will most likely be to adjust or run away. Sometimes, in order to run away, they have to villainize you and make you wrong so that their running away feels validated. 

There will, also, be those who will still be standing next to you cheering you on as if they have been waiting for this day. They have seen the strength in you all along and bask in the light of you beginning to really allow yourself to finally shine. They have seen the light in you and have been waiting for you to let it free. These are your people. Well, at least some of them, more will come as your light begins to burn brighter and brighter as you are caring for yourself.

I know many of you have heard the phrase "my cup runith over". I want that to be the overflow that you are giving from. Do what you need to do to make sure your cup is filled to overflowing and then give to others from your overflow. That means you need self-care, alone time and/or social time, rest, time to do things that you enjoy, and time to do things that make you feel good. Our culture tends to pride itself on us draining ourselves and doing it all while sacrificing ourselves. Just because it's a norm doesn't make it right. Take good care of yourself and set boundaries.

"How do I set a boundary?"

Understand that "No." is a complete sentence. If someone insists on violating a boundary or is having a difficult time accepting it then enact a consequence that you have already thought of, or let them know you need some space to think about how you want to go about enforcing this boundary because you are not comfortable or feel unsafe with the violation or push back. They can be a lot of work to maintain with certain people. That is when you must decide to fight, release, or at the very least pull back and take some space. 

It's okay to be the villain. It's okay to be selfish (even though self-care is not selfish, it can feel like it at first so I'm giving you permission to be selfish). It's okay to take care of you.

If you would like any help or support with boundary setting you can email me at holly@drhollyvarona.com . 

Anger

 

    Anger is a secondary emotion. Beneath it lies emotions such as hurt, frustration, injustice, fear, sadness, betrayal, or even grief. I remember the anger I felt when I saw someone close to me being abused. I remember the validation I felt the first time someone got angry about the abuse I had endured. As I dug into my healing journey, I began to feel angry about things that I had endured. Things little me had endured. I brushed it off for a long time as no big deal until I began to have nieces and nephews at the ages where I endured certain abuses and it was then that I realized that it really was wrong. It wasn't "no big deal". That's when the anger came. My anger was a sign that I was learning to love myself. I was angry that I allowed myself to be treated certain ways, angry at the betrayal of those I trusted. I was angry at the people who made me feel like I was too much or not enough, when who I truly am is who I need to be to accomplish what I am meant to accomplish and who I need to be for those who are meant to be around me. I was angry that I had to fight so many battles to excel, and sometimes to merely exist. I have had to fight to have a voice. I have had to fight to fully step into who I am meant to be. I have had to fight to just be. 

    Each of those fights, each battle, required recovery time afterwards. Sometimes I would have to run and hide to get it. Sometimes I just had to push through exhaustion. Now, I have boundaries. Now, I can allow myself the recovery time needed. Now, I have people to turn to, safe people, who relax my nervous system. Now, I know how to process through anger and not project it. That is the important thing to know about anger. It's valid and it needs to be processed through. Without processing through it, it gets projected onto those we care about most. Those who care about us the most. Vengeance can be a great motivator, but it is no way to live. The best revenge is a life well lived. 

    Process through your pain. Give yourself time to recover from the battle. Love on yourself. If you have a safe person in your life, let them love on you, too. Connection can be magical and healing. Allow yourself the comfort, rest, support, and care that you need and desire. It's okay.